Hi! It’s Mike Fiore from Digital Romance, Inc with your weekly NEWSLETTER…
In today’s issue I’m going to give you a little “trick” you can use in 5 minutes to know with 100% certainty if you should END your relationship or not (oooo… scary, huh? Scary because part of you doesn’t really want to know, I bet. It’s OK, I promise.)
- We’ve had quite a few folks ask what happened to the “Digital Romance Radio” podcast. The short answer is “we ended it but we’re considering starting a brand-spanking NEW podcast sometime soon. I’m going to need your help with this so keep an eye on your email or make sure you ‘Like’ my Facebook Page.”
- If you want to know if a man TRULY loves you or not, you MUST stop whatever you’re doing and go take this incredibly-fast and incredibly-accurate quiz.
The “Driveway Test Method” Of Knowing If You Should END Your Relationship Or Not
“Mike, I don’t know what to do! I’m with my guy for over 2 years now and I love him but we fight all the time. I really want this to work. I want him to be my one and only forever. Things used to be so good and I think I hold on because I hope that maybe they can be that way again. And I don’t want to be single again and I don’t know if I can handle having another relationship FAIL. What do I do?”
First off, thanks for your email and I’m sorry to hear about your pain. You didn’t give me a ton of detail but I can positively feel the anguish coming off you and can tell this is something that has been buzzing around the back of your brain for quite a while as your dissatisfaction in this relationship has grown.
I’m going to tell you EXACTLY what to do to decide if you should END THIS or not in a second, but first let me just mention a few things that popped up for me in your email.
1. Just Because Your Relationship Might End Doesn’t Mean You Are a “Failure”
I get this one a lot. The whole concept of a marriage or a relationship “failing” and the feelings of un-worth women in particular seem to feel when they can’t “make” a relationship into what they want it to be (and think it “should” be.)
Actually, last week I popped by a good friend of mine’s house late in the afternoon to talk about something similar. Jamie had just recently broken up with her boyfriend of almost 2 years after finally (finally) realizing that they simply weren’t going to be able to love each other the way they needed to be loved. She was upset about the relationship “failing” sure, but I suspected that her real anguish had to do with something deeper, so I said this:
“Jamie, you’re an incredibly intelligent and driven woman and you’re used to living in a world where if you set your mind to something and ‘do the work’ you’ll get what you want. But in this case that didn’t happen because no matter how much of the work you do you can never make another person into someone they’re not. So you failed. You failed to do an impossible thing just like millions and millions of others have failed to do the same impossible thing over the centuries. But just because you failed doesn’t mean that *you* are a failure any more than ‘failing’ to make a basketball shot makes you a ‘failure’ or failing to beat a video game level makes you a ‘failure.”
And then I gave her a big hug. I want to give you a hug now too, but the facts of physics and the internet prevent it so let’s just pretend we’re hugging for a second all as a group.
The point, Tiffany is that staying in a relationship because you don’t want to feel like a failure is a path to misery and a punishment you don’t need or deserve. There’s incredible bravery in admitting you made some wrong choices and taking the steps you need to change things.
2. “Things Used to Be So Good” Is Not a Reason to Continue a Relationship
Man, I know this one well. I’ve talked about my first (and terrible) marriage here before, but I’ll tell you right now that the number one reason I stuck around as long as I did in that (besides the fact that my self esteem had been absolutely destroyed and I thought I didn’t “deserve” any better) was the obnoxious and sickening hope that things could go back to the way they “used to be.”
There’s a thing in investing called the “Sunk Cost Phallacy” that you may have heard of before.
Here’s how it works:
- Jimmy takes $100 and invests it in METACORP stock.
- METACORP stock takes a DIVE and suddenly Jimmy’s $100 is worth only $50.
- Instead of taking his $50 out of METACORP, Jimmy leaves his money there or EVEN ADDS MORE MONEY IN because he’s still attached to the $100 he had (which he no longer has. He only has $50 now — $50 he probably wouldn’t invest in METACORP if he didn’t already have the money in there because METACORP is showing day after day that it’s a dog of a stock.)
The reason Jimmy does this is because he emotionally can’t handle the idea of having made a “bad” investment and as long as he doesn’t pull his money out of METACORP he can still pretend that it’s going to turn around and make him “Rich” some day (even though it’s not going to because that, like, never happens.)
Just to make this really clear, in this case YOU are Jimmy, the $100 is your time and love and METACORP is your relationship.
OK, Now That That’s Out Of the Way Here’s “The Driveway Test Method”
So, should you stay in your relationship or should you leave?
I can’t (and won’t) actually make that decision for you, but I CAN give you a very simple test to find out for yourself.
I call it “The Driveway Test” and this is how it works:
1. Go somewhere.
It doesn’t really matter where you go. It can be work, the store, school, whatever. The key is that you go somewhere WITHOUT your partner and (and this is important) you should time your going somewhere so your partner will get home BEFORE you do.
2. While you’re out, do everything you can NOT to think about your partner.
Put him out of your mind. Pretend as much as you can that he doesn’t exist in your life. (I mean, don’t CHEAT on him or anything but don’t spend all your time thinking about him.) As much as you can, be YOU outside of what your relationship has made you.
3. Come home, but don’t go inside right away.
Instead, sit in the driveway (or the garage or whatever). Just sit there for a moment. Close your eyes and breathe. Really pay attention to the feelings in your chest. Pay attention to how tense your jaw is. Pay attention to the thoughts and feelings that pop up for you as you imagine yourself getting out of the car, going up to the door, letting yourself in.
What do you feel?
Do you feel excitement at the idea of seeing your man? Do you feel yourself yearning to be wrapped in his arms?
Do you feel a smile pulling across your face as you think of the sight of him, the feel of him, the smell of him? Do you feel happy that you’re coming home to this man?
Do you feel something…
Not as good.
Do you feel your fingers going white on the steering wheel because you know he’s going to criticize you the moment you come in the door?
Do you feel nausea in your chest because you’re afraid of saying or doing the “wrong” thing?
Do you feel contempt for him… an urge to lash out at him… to criticize him… to punish him for not being the man you want him to be?
Do you feel your jaw clench and your brow furrow? Do you feel like spending time with our partner isn’t so much an adventure as a goddamned prison?
Now, once you’ve done that, write it down in a little journal. If you want you can even use a little scoring system; say a scale of 1 – 5 with 5 being “YES! I GET TO SEE MY MAN AND HE IS AWESOME AND THIS WILL BE STRESS FREE AND WONDERFUL!” and 1 being “Dear God, I know I should go in there but I am filled with dread and just do not want to.”
Now, obviously we’re all going to have GREAT days with our partners and AWFUL days with our partners…
But if you do the driveway test for a few weeks or a few months (or even just every once in awhile over the course of a few months) and again and again you feel DREAD and ANXIETY at the idea of spending time with the man you “Love”…
Well, then that’s a pretty damned good sign that it’s time either for things to MASSIVELY change or for you to find your way out the door.
Founder, Digital Romance, Inc