Q: When it comes to meeting guys I really like I get really shy and scared and start to act mean to them. Of course, to them it seems I am not interested and don’t care. How can I improve this? ~ Holly in Phoenix
A: Holly, quit being a “meanie!” Like the word implies, its childish and immature and guys see right through it…NO JOKE!
When I was in the dating world and women would run that pattern on me, this is what my inner-voice would say, “WARNING: Uh oh, she has either trust or self esteem issues and plays the ‘mean card’ to protect herself.”
Another way of thinking of this behavior is like self-sabotage. One tends to sabotage their own success because they tend to fear failure. No one feels great when they give 1000% to something or somebody and it doesn’t work out in the end. Thus, instead of “failing” or being rejected, people might self-sabotage. It sounds like this might be happening with you, Holly.
Our advice is to always be AUTHENTIC and just go for it!
There is NO such thing as failure—it’s only feedback. If the relationship doesn’t work out for whatever reason, it wasn’t meant to be and I believe this 100%. As such, if you really like the guys you are talking about, put yourself out there without any fear of failure or rejection. It takes practice but make it happen!
Q: I am on FaceBook and so is my boyfriend. We recently had “the talk” about being monogamous and start calling each other “boyfriend/girlfriend.” I was really excited that we were both on the same page but a unique situation happened the other day. On FaceBook, I changed my “status” to “in a relationship” and I looked on his page—he did not change his status and remained “single.” I asked him about it and it turned into an argument. What are your thoughts? ~ Dena T.
A: Good timing on this question. I am currently working on a research project to answer FaceBook related questions exactly like this one. No doubt, FaceBook has been a game-changer in the relationship world: dating, married, friends, colleagues, you name it, and someone has had an awkward FaceBook moment.
When someone tells their “friends” on FaceBook that they are in a relationship, we call this “going public.” Its like being engaged—you’re excited , you tell everyone you care about it, they get excited for you and congratulate you online singing praise of your public admission.
The concept of “going public” is very different for men than it is for women.
Men like to keep the appearance of being available in the public eye sometimes in the hopes that if someone else does come along, they are not scared away. You see this with married men that do not like to wear their wedding bands—it sends a message that says “I am available.” This is a red flag for you no doubt!
If you really think this guy is a keeper, I would press him on the deeper issue of how serious is he really about this newfound commitment to you. From a Man’s Man, based on his actions on FaceBook, my opinion is that his commitment to you is WEAK, at best. Might be time for you to change your status back to single!
~ ASK Dan & Mike