You’ve had several great dates despite having busy schedules. But it seems you are the one proactively making plans. He always says yes but you’d rather he be the one asking. How do you get him to step up and make a move?
Felicity – I need some advice. I met a guy I really like and we’ve been steadily seeing each other for the past few weeks. We both have busy careers and complicated parenting schedules (my schedule is a little more complicated than his) so I’ve been the one to suggest when we should get together lately. In fact, I’ve extended the last two invites but I feel like it’s his turn to ask me out. I know I’ve made it seem like I have limited time but if he asks, I can arrange to see him pretty easily. I think he might just be being polite and doesn’t want to pressure me because all the other signs are there that he’s interested. How do I get him to make the next move?
The answer is simple: Time to sit back and allow him to make the next move.
Which is frustrating especially when you have limited time, because I know how it feels when you have specific windows of time you are available and he’s not trying to make plans. You want to jump in and get things planned. But he needs to do a little chasing now. So depending on his personality, it might mean waiting a few days (or more) for him to miss you and recognize he needs to ask to see you.
This was probably the hardest lesson I had to learn when I was dating as a single mom. Especially coming out of a marriage, where I was the one making all of the plans and arrangements for our entire lives. Mrs. Julie-the-Cruise-Director, at your service!
I know, being a decisive action-oriented woman with a million responsibilities and limited time, it’s so easy to slip into that role. Because, tick-tock, you need to get all your ducks in a row pronto, including scheduling your dating life. But that’s you being in your masculine energy and doesn’t allow him to step into his masculinity.
Here’s another thing… many men think saying “when can I see you again” is the same as making plans… but it’s not.
And this is largely due to a lot of guys taking the backseat in their former relationships with women driving the bus and making all the plans. They’ve kind of been poorly trained to be more passive so we have to un-do some of that.
First things first, however, you have an important decision to make: Do you want a more passive guy or do you want a more confident masculine guy?
There is no wrong answer, here. It’s just a matter of your priorities.
With a passive guy, you do get to be the one in charge and in control. Which has its bonuses. But if you want a confident masculine guy, you have to learn to let him take the lead. Even when it’s frustrating to be patient.
And if your answer is you want a masculine guy, you need to step back from initiating plans at this point. Once a masculine man realizes he can have some control and set the pace, he will jump at the chance to take the lead. And if he doesn’t, then you may have to let him go.
Here is what I told myself to stay patient: I didn’t want a man to be with me because I was always asking him. I wanted a man to WANT to be with me, and take action to make it happen. Anyone not willing to do that little bit of work wasn’t someone I was going to continue to chase. Remember you are a choice, not a default option because nobody else asked him to make plans.
Confident, masculine men will take the initiative. We just have to allow them to. He might be used to women who make all the plans (we are so very good at it after all) so it might take a bit of time. Which isn’t to say he has to ALWAYS make the plan but it should be balanced. You made the last two, now it’s his turn.
And here is another way to look at it: Dating occasionally and having limited time is actually a bonus.
A slower pace allows things to unfold more naturally. Which means, you get more time to evaluate if he really is a good match without moving too fast. You don’t run the risk of letting those lusty feelings of attraction move you down the relationship path faster than is wise. Plus, a little built-in longing stokes the fires of desire.
So sit tight… have patience. And if he doesn’t step up to do a little chasing, know that despite how great he is, he might not be the man for you.
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