“Dear Dating Coach Ronnie
I’m embarrassed to ask this question, but here goes. I’ve been seeing this guy for over two years and I’m caught in a love triangle and need to know what to do. We started off dating for several weeks, but then he chose to commit to another woman. Honestly, it broke my heart.
He just kept contacting me. So I was confused and wondered if he really had chosen someone else. I guess I was sort of fooling myself.
The really hard part is I got terribly attached and fell deeply in love. He still texts me almost every day except weekends and comes to see me several times a month.
I know what this is. I know I shouldn’t allow this. But I can’t walk away. Believe me, I’ve tried.
Now, supposedly they’ve been having problems. I hate being stuck in this love triangle and am hoping there is something I can do to have him choose me. How can I make him mine?
I’ve tried to stay away. I’ve played the push and pull game for so long. This is why I’m so embarrassed because I would never do this type of thing. I’m not like that. But I have such strong feelings and he keeps coming back so he must have feelings for me right?
Please tell me what to do about being caught in this love triangle.
Love Triangle in Tahoma”
Dear Love Triangle,
I’m going to kindly say the only thing you can do in a love triangle like this is learn to value yourself. You say you can’t leave him, but you do have free will. Right now you are choosing NOT to leave which causes you to suffer over this man.
Even if there was a way to make him yours, I gently ask why do you want him?
You know he’s a cheater. A man like this doesn’t take commitment seriously. He’s not concerned about monogamy. He’s more interested in his own needs then how his actions affect the two women who love him. Although in fairness, you are all adults right? Your emotional welfare is really up to you.
So, this man knows you are making a choice – the choice to put up with his philandering ways.
The problem is loving him and whether or not he loves you are not enough. That is not all that is required for a healthy, loving and lasting relationship. Right now this relationship goes against your moral compass. You admit to being embarrassed about it and that you would never do it again. I can’t imagine how this chips away at your self esteem and how you feel about yourself.
So when you ask me what to do, I offer you the only healthy option I can think of. WALK AWAY. It’s not going to be fun or easy. It requires strength and fortitude. But it’s the only decision that leads to dignity, self respect and self worth.
When you opt to leave him, you will be standing up for yourself, your values and for the kind of love you desire; a monogamous, committed relationship.
When you decide to walk away from him, you also stand up for what you believe in. You can hold your head up high knowing you did the right thing for yourself. You’ll be doing the right thing in the bigger picture too by no longer participating in this love triangle.
Sometimes a woman can feel like she is almost addicted to the person she loves. The book “Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He’ll Change” can be a great resource for you. I also recommend the book “Don’t Call that Man” which will give you pages of reasons and empowering strategies for not contacting this guy again.
Last but not least, this is where you want to turn hope around. Hope for love in your future with a better man rather than hope this man will somehow become the upstanding guy you want or that he’ll pick you.
Move forward knowing a better man is out there. The man you dream of for lasting love exists.
He’s waiting for you right now. As soon as you free yourself up and do some healing, you can go out to meet new men and you will find each other. Set your sights on true love and let it be your guide.
This is exactly what I did when I turned 40. I had no prospects or hope for love. But deep within me, I knew I was meant to find love. The idea of being alone the rest of my life just felt all wrong. So I held on to my belief that I would find love and let it motivate me during my search. I dated 30 men in 15 months to find the man I married. We’ve been together now for 18 years.
People fall in love every day. Happy, healthy love is available. My hope for you is that you will choose to go find the right man. A man who knows you are the one woman for him and who will do everything he can to win you over and treat you like gold.