Here’s a letter from Karen, who has been married to her husband for over 30 years. For the first time ever, Karen is admitting to the frustration that she has been feeling all these years, due to the unmet needs in her relationship.
“Hi Sami. I have to admit that it feels a bit strange to write to a young woman for advice. I am way older than you (could be your mom, really!), but after reading your articles, I feel convinced that you can help me, and I want to learn from you.
So the thing is that my husband and I have been married for over 30 years now. It’s been okay for the large part, but I have begun to see how many of my needs for support, affection, even physical ones (like being touched) have been largely unmet over all these years. In fact, I cry as I write this, because all these years feel like a waste. I just never thought I could ask for more… and I accepted it as the usual norm of marriage – that attention and intimacy fades over time, and it’s normal.
To my shame, I even found myself getting attracted to other men, and it makes me feel so guilty, because my husband is a good guy, and he has been loyal. But I want more. I just want more, and if ever I start a discussion about it, he gets defensive and shuts down, and we don’t get anywhere further than that. Can you provide some help? Can this even change? Thanks a ton. Karen.”
Karen, thank you so much for your honesty!
And BRAVO to you for being so brave and upfront about what you need! First out, I want to assure you that you’re on the right track!
Also, and I know this is not easy, but please don’t judge yourself for having the needs that you have.
The problem in today’s world is NOT that we don’t have needs – but that we have somehow learnt to not be honest about it.
We have become so good at suppressing our desires, that, no matter how unfulfilled we feel in a given situation, we just “resign to fate” and “go along” with whatever someone offers us.
And this is probably happening because, every time in life that we have asked for more, we have instinctively judged ourselves! Plus, the world makes us feel like we are being too demanding and, more often than not, outsiders also label us as being selfish, being too high maintenance, etc.
And guess what? It’s all lies!
We ALL have those needs and any woman, who is even remotely connected to herself and in touch with her feelings, wants affection, physical intimacy and support from her life partner.
So Karen, please don’t judge yourself for being briefly attracted to another man either. You didn’t do anything from what I know, and what you have there is a very normal need… In fact, it is “not normal” to NOT have such needs.
And any suppression of what we want and what we need to feel good in a partnership is damaging that partnership, and it’s damaging us.
So Karen, here´s a step-by-step of what I want you to do:
Step 1: Say Yes to What You Want!
No questions asked!
You need what you need, and you have the divine right to have those needs fulfilled. So stop judging yourself, and give yourself a big hug every time you hear your head call you “demanding” or “high maintenance.”
I want you to start embracing your needs, Karen. Can you sense how much they have been crying for your attention all these years?
Step 2: Get Convinced That You Deserve the Good Stuff
Yes. It might feel strange to read this, but most of us, on a very DEEP sub-conscious level, don’t think we “deserve” the good stuff.
We don’t feel worthy of “extravagance in love.”
Most women like to complain about what a man is doing or not doing, but they get SO scared when he actually turns around and starts doing everything they could dream of.
We almost cannot believe it’s happening to us and we wonder: “Really? What’s he seeing in me to be doing this for me?”
I want you to think hard about this one, because this is a classic self-sabotage situation that almost ALL of us are prone to.
So Karen, get ready to embrace the good stuff that IS coming to you, at a deep level.
Step 3: Choose Your Words to Express What You Want!
Believe it or not, words have tremendous power in any and every situation.
And, depending on how we say something to our partner, he will either shut down (get all defensive) or he will stay open and listen to you.
And you want him to listen to you, and give you what you want, right?
So: find a set of feelings that you have been feeling. Lonely, bad, mad, angry, sad, untouched?
And then say those exact feelings to him. An example script from my side could look like:
“I’ve been feeling so lonely and untouched. It would feel good to feel closer to you!”
And then ask him: “What do you think?”
You have asked for what you want, without making him wrong and feel all defensive.
Karen, is now personally coaching with me, and her married life is already improving by leaps and bounds!
Here’s what Karen had to say after just three private sessions:
“This stuff works like magic! I feel like a new woman. Scripting with Sami has been so awesome. My husband is actually listening to me now and being so much more affectionate, and we’re beginning to go out again and just have fun! It’s feeling so great! Thank you Sami.”
You REALLY CAN HAVE all the love you want, and I am here to help you every step of the way. Check out my bio below and click the link provided to make sure you have joined my private relationship support group, where I give lots of free support and advice.
You probably don’t know this but there are just THREE things you have to do to “wake up” the romance center of any man’s brain and turn him into the “Romantic Beast” you deserve (and desire so much)…