If your spouse cheats, he or she confirms 10 truths about himself or herself…
- A cheater makes a conscious choice to cheat.
- A cheater does not have the guts to talk about the problems in a marriage and try to fix them or get out of the marriage.
- A cheater does not respect you enough to be honest with you and will lie to your face.
- A cheater puts personal pleasure above personal integrity.
- A cheater puts the affair above the well-being of the family.
- A cheater conveys that keeping promises is not that important and their word cannot be trusted.
- A cheater contributes to the breakup of a family, and that weakens neighborhoods, schools, churches and our nation.
- A cheater makes children more vulnerable to societal dangers and stresses.
- A cheater puts you in danger of getting sexually transmitted diseases.
- A cheater leaves destruction and pain all around and loses the respect of others
When a spouse cheats, it does NOT mean you were not enough …. smart enough, fun enough, sexy enough or whatever.
Do NOT let a cheater make you think that if you had somehow been different, they would not have had to find someone else to meet their needs. That’s self-deception at it’s worst. What the cheater needs to find is some personal integrity and common decency of their own and that has nothing to do with you.
In fact, when a spouse cheats, it doesn’t say anything about you. If the cheater was unhappy, he or she should have come to you and said straight out, “This marriage isn’t working for me. We need to talk. We need to get help and try to fix it, or I need a divorce.”
If the marriage cannot be saved, it needs to be ended, and then the former partners are free to contact, travel with, buy presents for or screw anyone they want. They could explain the situation to their children, instead of the children finding out that one parent is cheating, sneaking around, lying and behaving in immoral and destructive ways. That scenario puts children in a confusing, difficult situation as they try to move forward.
In short, the cheater needs to stop blaming his or her own bad behavior on someone or something else. Often the cheating spouse is having an affair with another cheater who is also destroying a relationship and a family of their own. That makes fixing things that much more complicated. For example, when a girlfriend divorces her husband and leaves her family and is living in an apartment waiting for her lover to figure out how to get out of his marriage, so he can marry her, that can make fixing things at home much more unlikely.
So if your spouse was, or still is a cheater, stop feeling guilty.
The cheating spouse is often trying to make you feel exactly that to ease their own conscience. None of us are perfect. We all make mistakes. Neither partner in a marriage is perfect. But for the cheater to say things like, “if you had been more attentive, or more adventurous in bed, or thinner, (or anything else). I wouldn’t have had to do this.” That’s simply trying to excuse his or her own bad choices.
If those things were causing a person to lose interest in the marriage, he or she should have had the guts to bring those things up and resolve them instead of looking outside of the marriage to find another partner before ending their first relationship.
When a spouse cheats sexually, he or she has usually already emotionally left the marriage. When I first started doing my work at Midlife Divorce Recovery after my own divorce, I was amazed that many partners who face the reality of infidelity had no idea that there was anything wrong in the marriage. I’ve now come to realize this is the rule rather than the exception.
The cheating partner often never voices any dissatisfaction. They often want to keep the impression of a happy, stable family while getting their sexual and/or other needs met somewhere else. They simply find someone else to give them what they felt was missing while dishonorably letting their partner think that everything was fine — often for many years.
The fact that the offending partner has already left the relationship emotionally is why it is so hard for the hurt partner to make progress forward as fast as the cheater who has already done the psychological leaving long before the spouse knew anything was wrong. That also means that the cheater often finds it harder to do the work it takes to repair the relationship, because the affair has gone on so long, or the marriage is no longer a priority or is irreparably broken.
So, if you have been cheated on, you are probably the one reading this article.
My advice is to get help. Find a group of people who are also going through this situation. The journey is often lonely and harder than we think it should be. It is also almost always takes us longer to get through than we want.
Find resources and people who get how you’re feeling. Find people who understand what it feels like when a spouse cheats and who have ways to help.
In studies done a while back, infidelity was still not acceptable in most cultures. Especially in the West, it’s considered a serious breach of trust on the part of the person who cheats, and almost everyone feels that breaking that bond of trust would not be acceptable in their own marriage.
“Thus, moral judgments in Western countries continue to support sexual exclusivity between husbands and wives. Although people in the United States have become increasingly tolerant of premarital sex and homosexual sex, they voice stronger disapproval of extramarital sex.” Read more: Infidelity – Cross-cultural Perspectives – Family, Sex, and Extramarital – JRank Articles
Take This Lesson to Heart: Cheating Is Always a Personal Choice
If you are tempted to cheat, or if you are wondering if your partner is not happy in your marriage, talk about it. Talk honestly about your relationship. Figure out what’s working and what isn’t. And then do something about it. Take steps to fix things before they get out of control. And if you are the one who is cheating, be honest with your spouse, explain what you’re feeling and see if your marriage can be saved. If not, get a divorce before you develop a relationship with another person.
If you are struggling to figure out how to survive a divorce that was caused by cheating, see by bio below and contact me at or signup for our free online 10-Day Crash Course. We have resources and tools to help you not only survive, but to figure out who you are now, what you want, and how to get what you want in the future. Life moves on. You must learn to as well. We can help.
Women who do THIS never get cheated on: ______?