Having ho-hum sex is so disheartening, huh? I don’t know what guys think about during boring sex, but as a woman, I’ve gone over the grocery list, thought about when I should book my next pedicure, or simply fantasized it was someone ELSE making love to me so that I’d get turned on.
I’m sure all of us have done some version of disconnecting, yet ultimately avoidance destroys intimacy.
In fact, I was having this very conversation last night with my friend who’s a sexologist. It was my birthday, and five of us were out on the town at a burlesque show. We got there early and, of course, immediately began talking about sex.
We were noticing all these couples attending the show and wondering why they came.
- Did she want permission to be sexier, sultrier, and more dominant with her sexual desires?
- Did he want an excuse to watch the kind of sexy woman he wished his partner was?
- Were there poly couples that wanted to take a burlesque dancer home?
- Did the show inspire couples to be wilder and freer that night when they got home?
- Or did the show make some couples end up in a fight?
Here are five mistakes both men and women make when asking for what they want in the bedroom, AND five ways to turn things around so you’re having the sex of your dreams!
Mistake #1: Your Heart’s Not in It
Sex is one of the most magnificent gifts of being alive, yet it’s an area filled with a tremendous amount of shame, guilt, and pain. Talking about what you want in bed WHILE YOU’RE IN BED is potentially when you are the most vulnerable and raw. You are literally and figuratively naked and susceptible to being misunderstood or hurt. That’s why I say you should talk about what you desire outside the bedroom. Pay attention to whether you are distracted, your mind spinning as you try to figure out what to say, or if you are present, connected, listening, and aware of why you love this person, trust them, care for them, and are turned on by them.
A great time to talk about sex is when you’re going to be driving somewhere for a good twenty to thirty minutes. Your actions are on automatic pilot, and your words can flow with ease. The idea is to create a safe place to be heard without being fixed or judged.
All you’re allowed to say in response to your partner’s answer is “thank you.” No rebuttal, no justification. Just pure, honoring listening. The questions begin like this:
- Tell me something you like about me and sex. (Go back and forth for about five minutes. This creates affinity, connection, gets you into your heart, and reminds you why you care.)
- Tell me something you think we align with about sex. (Go back and forth for about five minutes. This creates more closeness, puts you on the same team, and reminds you that you’re in this together.)
- Tell me something you’d like me to know about you and sex. (Take your time with this one – perhaps ten, fifteen or even twenty minutes. Really listen. Don’t respond other than “thank you.” Try not to say “YOU,” which can make your partner defensive.)
Remember what was said, and try to integrate it the next time you’re in the bedroom.
When you’re at your destination, finish talking without rushing. Since your heart’s been in it for this entire conversation, close up the session with a long embrace. What was shared is not to be used as ammunition in a fight. It’s sacred communication about how to be more you, give more of you, and receive more of what you desire.
I had a relationship where my partner would initiate these conversations by candlelight for forty minutes every Sunday night for over a year. We talked not only about sex, but about life, my son, money, sexual fantasies, God, our dreams, and things we were afraid to let the other know. It created amazing intimacy and trust between us.
And honestly, until we actually slow down and listen to our truth, we may not even know what we truly desire! This practice alone can change your relationship forever, yet let’s go onto four more mistakes you may be making and turn those around.
Finally revealed: Simple text messages any woman can you use to make your man CHASE you again (even if he barely pays attention to you at all now.) Watch the video now! CLICK HERE!
Mistake #2: You’re in Your Head
It’s possible that you’re having trouble asking for what you want in bed because you’re spinning in your mind:
- afraid they’ll reject you
- scared you’ll hurt their feelings
- embarrassed that you’re weird for asking
- nervous that they may say YES and – holy shit – you’ll have to actually DO it
- anxious that if they say no, that means for the relationship
- terrified things may go down like they did in your last relationship when you asked for this
Can you hear how you’re in your head and not present?
Well, if you are up in your head, doubting and questioning yourself, you aren’t in the moment, connected with your partner. You’ve shot yourself in the foot before you’ve even started! We are either spinning in the past or the future, but we sure aren’t HERE. Why? Well, being HERE is the unknown. We can’t control what our partner will say. That may make you uncomfortable, afraid, or downright terrified. So to avoid the pain of fear, we go into the past or future and begin spinning.
Instead, I’d like you to breathe. I know that sounds silly; of course you’re breathing, or you’d be dead. However, I’d like you to really notice what you do when you get scared or start to spin in your head. Most people hold their breath. They literally stop breathing. Try it now. Think about something you may be concerned about bringing up to your partner about sex. Are you breathing deeply, fluidly, and consistently with great ease? Or not?
So when you have this conversation with your partner, keep breathing. Take deep breaths, all the way into your belly and pelvis. I am sure there’s a bunch of scientific reasons why this lowers your stress hormone cortisol, but I’m not a doctor. What I do know, as a coach, is that breathing puts you into the present moment where you’re connected to your awareness, empathy, kindness, and problem-solving creativity.
You may even want to put one hand on your heart or on your belly as you talk to remind you to breathe. If your partner says something to you or responds in a way that feels awful, keep breathing! Do your best to stay connected to your breath, connected to them, connected to your feelings, and connected to the present moment where all solutions are found. You can even communicate to your partner that you’re feeling anxious, hurt, and nervous… or maybe turned on, alive, sensual, seen, heard, and orgasmic!
And the practice of breathing will make sex even better! Orgasms for me went from PG to XXX when I breathed through them!
Stay tuned next Friday for Part 2 of this two-part series!
QUIZ: The only erogenous zone on a man that matters is his ________.
Do you know the answer?
Do you know how to USE the answer?