Welcome back to the second part of this series! To Read Part 1, CLICK HERE!
Mistake #3: You’re Assuming
When we are about to talk to our partner about what we’d like in the bedroom, notice if you’ve already decided what they’re going to say or how they’re going to respond. How do you know? I don’t mean to say you’re wrong, but what if you are? Some people call this “already always listening,” meaning that you’ve already decided someone’s response. In quantum physics (I’m paraphrasing here), there are limitless possibilities available at any moment, and it’s our attention on one that creates it into reality.
So the point is, stay open! Stay curious. Stay out of conclusion. Stay in the unknown. Stay in the nothingness, that wide open limitless field of possibility, and be so spacious in your listening that your partner will feel a wide berth of permission to be themselves, answer in their truth, and feel so honored that they will have the space to answer in a way that may even surprise them.
How do you stay out of conclusion and not assume?
Practice all day long. Don’t assume your kids won’t brush their teeth: stay open. Don’t assume traffic will be bad on the way to work, be open that you’ll get the fast lane today. Don’t assume people at work will be and do what they always be and do: pretend it’s your first day on the job and you’re just getting to know people; comment on their fashion, their productivity, and their kindness and see what happens.
Don’t assume you know it all, either: be open that there’s more to learn, more wisdom to gain, and more solutions possible. By the time you get to talk with your lover about sex, you’ll be fairly curious as to what they’ll say, gifting them with the same non-judgment you’ve gifted yourself and others all day.
Even after the conversation about the sex you’d like to experience with your partner, when you actually HAVE sex, don’t assume you know what’s going to happen or what they’ll do, say, or how they’ll respond in bed. Be open each time you make love. Be curious about what turns them on today, for today is a new day. What if being free of assumptions creates sex that’s beyond your wildest dreams because both of you are in the complete unknown, together? Yum.
Mistake #4: You’re a Victim
I don’t mean to imply you’re a victim. You’re a rock star, of course. Yet when we get close to touchy subjects, we often become victims. If we are wounded in any way around our sexuality and haven’t healed, we’ll be a victim of some sort…
- Feeling sorry for ourselves. “I’ll never have the sex life I want, so I might as well give up and just settle for what I have. Why mess up a good thing? There’s really no such thing as great sex anyways. That’s just in the movies.”
- Self-abusive punishment. “I’m not sexy enough or desirable enough. I hate my body. Why ask for what I want? I’ll just end up getting hurt again anyway. I’m just grateful my partner wants to have sex with me. I’ll just keep doing what they want even though I don’t really like it.”
- It may sound like blame. “Men/women suck. They can’t be trusted. I really want to trust someone but I know I can’t. I know eventually they’ll cheat on me, so I’ll never really get invested. I’ll never really let down my guard. I may even break up with them before they break up with me. They’re not going to hurt me again, I’m smarter than that this time around.”
- It may feel like shame. “I must be really messed up. I think I’m weird, too kinky, too naughty, totally a turn off to most partners. I better hide my true desires and read erotic fiction, watch porn, secretly explore on the internet, or have sexting relationships with strangers. I could never tell my partner about my true desires, because for sure I’d be alone forever.”
There are so many insidious conversations that go on in your mind, born of pain, hurt, betrayal, abandonment, shame, and guilt. Yet NONE of these are the real you! It’s your wounds talking, not YOU! And if you’re unwilling to see it’s not the real you in charge, you will never experience the delicious sex life that’s your birthright!
So how do you break this pattern?
I wish it were as simple as pill you could pop, but there is a solution. First, begin to notice the victim conversations. If you can notice and hear the conversation, you aren’t the conversation: you are witnessing the conversation. So who is the YOU that is witnessing? That’s the real you. The Self. The seat of the soul. The voice that’s judging you, making excuses, putting you down, blaming others: that’s NOT you. The real you doesn’t judge. The real you is loving kindness.
Practice witnessing the thoughts and letting them pass by. Practice feeling the emotions that come along with the thoughts and breathe through them, as in #1. Relax, soften, release attachment to these thoughts, step back an inch, witness, get really big and wide and expansive like the solar system, and just let these unkind thoughts go by. Many call this mindfulness. Meditate.
For many women and some men who are more kinesthetic, sitting still to do this drives them bonkers, so instead, get up and move, dance, and allow the thoughts and emotions to pass through you in movement. I LOVE to put on music and let my body move through it all. Don’t judge what’s happening or do choreography; just let your body be in charge, move through the discomfort, and on the other side, there will be more clarity, calmness, and peace.
If you can watch your thoughts go by, if you can dance your emotions through and out the other side, then what if you can also insert thoughts into the mix? Of course you can! You actually are making choices 24/7. You can start to flirt with yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself how fabulous you are each morning when you brush your teeth. Ask questions to the universe like, “What would it take for my conversation about sex with my partner to bring us even closer than we already are?” You can find time each day to sit in silence or dance and strengthen your relationship with the real you: the Self, the Seat of the Soul, your limitless Consciousness, God.
This may sound kind of woo-woo, yet it’s what the sages have told us for centuries. It’s the basis of current day non-violent parenting courses. It’s what works:
- empathy with self
- non-judgment as these thoughts and emotions pass
- patiently allowing your wisdom, peace, truth to bubble up
- then connecting with your partner to talk about sex
Victim meeting victim creates drama. Conscious meeting conscious creates magic.
Mistake #5: You’re Silent
This may sound obvious, yet I really want you to consider the consequences of avoidance and not asking for what you desire sexually. Most of the couples that come to me have had some sort of affair or secretive behavior that has hurt their partner.
If you don’t speak up, I highly doubt things are going to change. I suppose you could simply change your behaviors and start wearing crotchless leather underwear, or he could insert his penis in a new opening one night, or you could pop in a naughty video without saying anything… but my gut says that without talking about this first, the element of surprise might backfire on you. Conflict is one of the most common things people avoid in relationships, so couples just shut their trap and make due. Yet I promise that over time this will ruin your relationship and kill erotic intimacy.
Talking about what turns you on doesn’t have to be this horrible thing. Yes, it’s intense. Yes, your heart may start racing. Yes, you may not do it “perfectly,” and yes, someone may get uncomfortable, but with the keys we spoke of in #1 to #4, you will have the strength and capacity to open your mouth and express what you desire. Let’s review:
- Create safe spaces to communicate.
- Breathe and be in the moment.
- Be curious, open, and out of conclusion.
- Heal your wounds and be at peace with your sexuality.
- Speak what’s true for you.
And it doesn’t have to be so serious, either! Humor goes a long way when talking about touchy subjects, as does an adventurous, experimental attitude. You can create pleasure nights for her, pleasure nights for him, where only one of you is pleasured and practices asking for and receiving what you desire. The other person always has the right to graciously decline if it truly doesn’t work for them. This can be a surprisingly easy way to have what you want in the bedroom.
Once that goes well, plan sexual experimentation nights. For example, back to my friend the sexologist who joined us for my birthday at the burlesque show. She is hired by sex toy companies to try out sex toys and give her recommendations. Almost every night is an experimentation night!
Some things turn her on. Some things make her laugh. Sometimes she is pleasantly surprised by what gets her hot. Other things trigger tears of wounds from childhood or past relationships. It’s all good. It’s all real. It’s all shared between you and your lover, deepening your intimacy and connecting you more powerfully in the bedroom.
So now you want to know what she got me for my birthday, huh? It was a vibrator with ALL the bells and whistles. I wanted to stay and dance after the burlesque show ended but she had to leave, so I walked her down to say goodbye. I asked the valet to put my gifts into my truck for me while I danced. That sweet, blushing valet man, carrying candles, chocolate, and a vibrator to my vehicle!
You CAN have the hot sex you desire. You CAN create safe, honoring, open, and healthy communication with your partner. I believe in you. I have your back. I’d love to provide potent and tender coaching if you require someone to help you cross the finish line into erotic bliss!