On the daily, we are fed messages about happily ever after, but the stories we see are full of platitudes and empty promises and they lack any information about the nuts and bolts of how to actually do this.
As we see it, it is simple, but not necessarily easy. We humans are creatures of habit, we gravitate towards comfort and ease yet exciting, thriving relationships require us to be inspired and to venture outside of our comfort zones in two main areas: emotions and sex. If you are willing to take the following emotional and sexual leaps, your relationship can not only avoid an untimely death but it can actually thrive…
Make New Adventures from Old Desires
You’ve probably read plenty of articles about the fact that you need to spice things up to keep your relationship hot or that passion requires some mystery and distance to thrive. These articles are full of tips and tricks, but they are sorely lacking the deeper substance of what it really means to keep your relationship fresh and exciting.
As Somatica sex and relationship practitioners, we help our clients find out what really turns them on and, equally if not more importantly, we teach them how to share this with their partners in a way that doesn’t serve as a critique of the past but an invitation to a new more enticing future. This is foundational and many, if not most couples, have never even dived into the depths of these conversations. Instead, when sex begins to get less hot after the honeymoon period, they skate on the surface by trying new sex toys or positions and sex and desire often dwindle.
Even if you have truly discovered what you desire and know how to really turn each other on, you will still need to create variety and keep each other guessing. While you will very likely always want to have the same feeling from sex – whether that be feeling loved, punished, powerful, submissive, etc., you need to make sure the ways that you are getting to those feelings don’t get stale. Creativity, openness, and communicating when a tried and true approach no longer does the trick, is key to keeping your sex life hot and playful.
Rock the Emotional Boat
Whatever you do, don’t play it safe. We can’t tell you how many times we’ve helped a client come up with an amazing plan for what they want to say to their partner, only to have them later tell us, “There just wasn’t a good time to bring it up.” True, there wasn’t and there never will be. Saying that you want more sex or telling your partner you need nights off or letting your partner know that you feel angry or sad about how last night’s date went rocks the boat and it’s hard to rock the boat. In your search for ease and comfort, you may avoid having the more difficult conversations and, in doing so, put more and more of yourself away, diminishing intimacy and opportunities for mutual growth. This avoidance eventually diminishes excitement and desire.
You might be scared that if you talk about the real stuff, it will end your relationship, but the slow stuffing down of yourself is what eventually becomes disconnection and resentment. To stay close you must continue to share yourself. There is an art to this sharing – most importantly, talk about yourself and avoid blame, shame or defensiveness – but, even if you are not perfect at it, it is essential to try. If it doesn’t go well, try again a few more times and, if it still doesn’t work, get some help from a coach or therapist. Continuing to unveil the mystery of who you are and to see and learn your partner over and over again is your only chance to keep your relationship alive!