Emotional Triggers That Show Up Disguised As Intuition
Dear Carrie, I really need your help!! I may have messed something up. I started up a new chat on text with a really good looking guy. He asked me out for coffee and I said yes, but then he suddenly dropped out of contact before our plans were firm. So, I started to feel played and got annoyed. When he finally messaged me back 3 hours later THIS happened.
Him: Hi Lori. Sorry, I was meeting with someone. Where were we????
Me: Oh, I wondered what happened. Where did you want to meet?
Him: I’m lost now.
…That’s when I started to get upset and read something into his message that may have been wrong.
Me: I think I am too.
(2 minutes later…)
Me: Are you playing me? (I think images of the last guy I met and really liked and how his toying with my emotions took a hold of me.)
Him: No. Why would you say that?
Me: It just feels that way. Why are you lost .. simply read the text trail.
Him: I know. I thought you said Brookstone Pkwy next in the mall.
Me: So is there a different place you prefer? (Remember, he’s the one that asked me for a coffee date … now I’ve gotten somewhat pissed.)
Him: Oh, ok. Maybe I just got confused by your message. (What is there to be confused about? I think to myself, I’m probably #5 on the list of people he’s texting at the same time.)
Me: I understand.. it can sometimes be confusing on text.
So I haven’t heard back since then and our date for tomorrow is no longer a reality.
I must have scared him off with the player comment; he must think I’m nuts!! But shouldn’t I call something what it is if I feel it in my gut?
Sometimes what we think is our “gut” is actually a trigger. We are triggered when situations happen that bring up insecurity. Anyone who has ever been hurt has experienced this. It’s a defense mechanism that we use to avoid experiencing pain, embarrassment, and disappointment.
The problem with triggers is, sometimes they can backfire on us if we act on them. When we read into something, or interpret someone else’s words, actions, or inaction to mean something negative, how we respond to that trigger can greatly influence the outcome.
So does this mean you’re just supposed to blindly trust every man who enters in to the picture? Well no, not in that sense. Trusting is about trusting yourself and allowing the scene to unfold. Rori Raye says “choose your words and be surprised”
If you choose to trust that his intentions are pure, and you choose curiosity over suspicion, the “you” he really wants to know can step forward and he will be captivated.
Working Through Triggers
1) Reserve Judgment
Give it time to unfold. I can’t tell you how many misunderstandings avoided when I was dating my husband just by doing this simple rule. Every single time I got upset by something I misread or imagined, he fixed — without even knowing it — simply because I didn’t act on my trigger. Imagine that.
2) Always Assume the Best
Understand that meaning sometimes gets lost in translation. And this goes for every method of communication, not just text and email. You don’t know where someone else is coming from, particularly when you first meet, so stay loose and flexible and avoid adding meaning and significance.
3) Wait For Understanding
Like #1, but worth repeating. You will learn generally, all you need to know about him and his intentions just by listening and paying attention. Keep your focus on the positive and trust that he has no ill will toward you. Most men think of themselves as “good guys”, so don’t question him at every turn or he may end up feeling confused and discouraged. He may tolerate it for a little while as he gets to know you, but his interest will fade quickly if it becomes a problem.
The truth is, we all experience triggers. It’s part of being human. The good news is, YOU don’t have to let your triggers rule (or ruin) your relationships. You get to choose how to express yourself.
PS – For more advice on communicating around triggers, please follow my blog or find me on Facebook. If you would like some personal coaching, I’d love to hear your story… please don’t hesitate to send me an email and let me know how you’re doing!
Go watch this video right now and learn how to use tiny little text messages to turn your wife, girlfriend, boyfriend or husband into an absolute “Romance Addict” even if they don’t seem to care one iota about romance now… CLICK HERE!