Are you still thinking about your ex and wanting him back? Wondering why things fell apart and how you could have done it all differently?
It’s so tempting to reconnect and there are tons of books and programs to help you get your ex back. As a dating coach for women over 40, I don’t advise taking that path because it rarely works.
Instead, I recommend you learn from your last relationship and let it go. If it were meant to be, you’d still be together and happy. Since that isn’t the case, it’s time to move on so you can find love again with someone better. You’ll be smarter about your choices next time having gone through this relationship experience.
If you are ready to move on, but not sure how to do it, here are six empowering exercises that will get you on the road to healing and finding love again.
1. Remember the Reasons You Broke Up
It’s so easy to focus on all the good things and the happy times. But how much of the time was good? Every time you find yourself daydreaming about how good things were, stop and remember why you broke up.
- What was bad about being together?
- How were you hurt?
- What went so wrong that your relationship ended?
This will keep your feet planted firmly in the real world and hopefully get you feeling ready to move on with your love life.
2. Take Stock of What You Learned
Breaking up is never fun, but you can learn from it. Think about how you were treated.
- Why didn’t you get along?
- What part did you play in the problems and why things didn’t work out?
- Do you have regrets?
Self reflection is a powerful tool for understanding how you might handle things differently next time. Learn from the experience so you can apply the wisdom to your next relationship and make it last.
3. Create a List of Traits You Don’t Want Again
Yes, I know you loved him.
- But was he really all cake and ice cream?
- Or did he have his flaws and drawbacks?
Make a list girlfriend. When you start pining away for his love, take out the list and remind yourself of his less glorious parts to keep yourself grounded in the present of why you can’t be together.
This inventory will also help you formulate your deal breaker list to avoid these characteristics in the future. Choose your top “5 Deal Breakers” and be vigilant to avoid them in the new guys you date.
4. Release the Strings of Connection
Some people feel a lingering connection to an ex they just can’t seem to shake. If that describes how you feel, try this exercise. Sit in a comfortable and safe place where you can relax and close your eyes. Take a few slow deep breaths to center yourself.
Imagine sitting face-to-face with your ex in a comfortable environment. Notice any strings connecting your bodies. Once you see them, gently pull them away first from your ex and then your own body. Drop the strings on the floor between you and watch them burn up, transforming the energy and freeing you from each other.
Place your hand on your body where the strings were attached for healing. Don’t worry about healing your ex, he’ll take care of himself. When you feel complete open your eyes and journal about your experience. This is very cathartic and will help you let go.
5. Say It in a Letter
Writing down your thoughts and everything you wish you had said or still want to say is another great way to release feelings and energy. Sit down in a comfortable spot. Put on soothing music that will set the tone and help you relax. Then pick up a pen and pour your heart out.
Don’t leave anything unsaid – get everything out of your system. Just remember NEVER MAIL THE LETTER which would revive your connection but not clear anything up. Instead, rip it up or burn it to transform the energy. The power of this exercise is strictly for you and not to be shared with your ex.
6. Focus on What You Want
Now that you have gotten your ex out of your system, it’s time to move on to attract the love you want! Make a list of all the qualities you want in your next romantic partner. Think about how the relationship should be. Easy and comfortable? Fun and exciting? Go for your heart’s desire and write it all down.
Next put those descriptors into related groups. For example, sweet, thoughtful and caring are similar and you could choose “Caring” as the overarching quality for the group. This is how you distill the essence of the man you seek.
Don’t worry about things like relationship ready or single and looking, or even loyal and trustworthy. These are “givens” when it comes to your “Key Needs”. Do the best you can to limit the essence of the right man for you to just five overriding qualities.
Start Meeting New Men to Find Love Again
Now you are ready to meet men! Use your 5 Key Needs list as the basic requirements for the men you date. Even if a man is really nice or uber handsome, you’ve got to walk away if he can’t meet your needs. Don’t forget to refer back to your 5 Deal Breakers so you notice red flags and don’t repeat past mistakes. Be true to yourself so you can find the right man for you and the lasting love you dream of.