“NO.” Such a strong word, and one we women avoid like the plague. We’d rather say “Maybe”, or “As you wish”, or “I’ll try my best”, even when we KNOW we don’t want to do something.
And this is all the more true when it comes to dating and relationships.
- Do you avoid saying “no” to a man you’re dating, or even your man?
- Do you feel afraid your “no” would upset him or look rude?
- Do you feel pressured to be polite and “nice”, instead of speaking up your truth?
Here is a question I received from my client Marina:
“Sami, your work is transformational, and I can feel my life change from session to session!
I have a question for you. The other day, this guy and I had a great evening together (it was our first date) and we returned to my place to see my book shelf (he loves books)! It got a bit late, and since he lives an hour away, he asked if he could stay the night at my place. Normally I would never allow this, but I felt so pressured to be nice. He ended up staying at my place, sleeping on my couch, having breakfast with me. It all felt “too much, too soon”. I think he could feel my uncomfortable energy, too. Plus, he hasn’t called back since 4 days, so that doesn’t make it any more pleasant. Is there a way I could have avoided this situation or got out of it without upsetting him? Thanks. Marina, UK.”
Here’s my answer to Marina and all those of us who have a hard time saying no:
1) Marina, you are doing great with feeling your feelings (of your discomfort with saying “yes” when you wanted to say “no”, the pressure you put on yourself to be nice, how your energy of discomfort was also sensed by him and probably pushed him away).
2) You also did awesome with separating the beds and making him sleep on the couch, instead of jumping into bed with him without knowing him enough.
Two big brownie points to you!
Now, some facts to remember and apply, going forward.
Fact #1: Being “Nice” Is Unattractive When It’s Not Authentic
We women think it is a helpful and noble quality to help someone, and rightfully so.
However, there is one little but important qualification to this: your niceness has to be authentic for it to be appreciated by a man. You have to feel in your body the desire, the ease of taking a decision in favor of someone.
If you don’t feel that basic, genuine “ease” in making a decision, there is no way the man is going to experience you as nice, easy-going or cool.
The whole “vibe” you are exuding is of discomfort and unauthenticity, instead of kindness and open-heartedness.
The problem then, Marina, is not that you felt uncomfortable letting a near stranger spend the night at your place, but your own discomfort with owning up and expressing your true feelings.
You tried to be nice, but your energy was all tensed, bound-up and uncomfortable, because you were forcing yourself to do something you didn’t want to do.
Instead of bringing him closer and making him see you for the great and cool woman that you are, you sub-consciously sent him the message that you were not happy having him over.
In other words, what your lips did not say, was communicated to him anyway through your energetic vibration.
Only that he probably misinterpreted it and read it as you not liking him.
That might be one of the reasons why he hasn’t called back yet (though we can never know a man’s reasons for sure).
Fact #2: Your “No” Will Not Push A Good Man Away
Here’s the straight truth doled out to you. Marina:
Your “no” will not push a good man away.
If this is a shocking truth for you to digest, I want you to ask yourself (and each one of you who has a hard time saying no):
- What would happen if you just said that “no”?
- What can be the worst possible outcome if you said that dreaded “no” straight out to the man in question?
At this very moment, while reading this article, imagine him standing right in front of you.
Now practice saying the following words to him:
“Unfortunately no, you can’t stay here overnight. I would not feel comfortable with that yet.”
How does that feel to you?
Strange, weird, extremely impolite?
You probably think it would get him angry, upset him and make him never want to see you again? Right?
A healthy, masculine man, with a good sense of clarity on his own needs and boundaries, will never throw a tantrum at a woman who has her own set of personal rules and boundaries which she is implementing.
So Marina, please, once and for all, eliminate this belief from your mind that you’re speaking your truth will upset a quality man. It won’t.
Not if he is worth your time.
Fact #3: Saying “No” Actually Makes Him Experience You As Attractive
A polite, genuine “no” is way more attractive than a fuzzy, hesitant “maybe” – or in your case, a forced “yes”.
Men love and crave authenticity.
They adore a woman who is clear about what she will accept or not accept from them, how much she will do or not do for them. So far, from your fear of pushing him away, I am here to tell you that saying a clear, sensible “no” is actually bringing him closer to you.
It’s truth-talking. It takes courage. It is simply sexy to watch a woman be able to do that.
It makes him take notice of you. It spikes his interest in you.
It makes him see you as different from the crowd of man-pleasing women that are unfortunately in abundant numbers on this planet.
Ever heard the famous saying, “Men love bitches?” Frankly, I don’t think they love bitches.
They love authentic, real women, who can comfortably speak their own truth, even if that means risking sounding bitchy, rude or impolite.
So Marina, for next time, I encourage you to speak out your discomfort loudly, clearly, and without hesitation.
It will bring the right guy for you closer, and you will watch your self-confidence spike up!
And everyone else reading: What did you learn from Marina’s story? Have you been in this situation before? Will you start saying “no” more often, and especially to a man?
Come get lots of free support on such issues in dating and relationships on my private and free support group on Facebook, called Wunder Divas. You will find the link to join in my bio.